


Never In The Past

by squvsh



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Gen, M/M, Rafael Deserves Love, Sorry this isn't Barisi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-06-23 20:42:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15614601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squvsh/pseuds/squvsh
Summary: Reconnecting with old flames? Easier said than done, especially for Rafael Barba and his Big Brass Ego.





	1. Like That

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off an RP I'm doing. Emile is one of my OCs.   
> Rafael and Emile had a thing back in high school.

“Mr. Barba, a Mr. Asher would like to speak with you.” Carmen said from the doorway. Rafael looked up from his phone and quirked a brow. “Said it’s important.”

“He can come in, thank you Carmen.” Rafael said, finishing up his text as the door shut.

“Hola, Rafi.”

Rafael set his phone down and looked up, eyebrows raising at the sight of the man.

“Emile, wow. You...” he trailed off, the color in his cheeks speaking enough to how he was feeling.

Surprised. Embarrassed he didn’t remember the last name of his high school crush.

“I still look the same, give or take my choice in clothing. Suits are comfortable I suppose.” Emile said as he set his briefcase down on the table. 

Rafael stood and moved around his desk, walking over. At least he was still taller, Emilie hadn’t grown an inch.

“My Rafi is an ADA, wow. I knew you’d do something amazing, even if it wasn’t Broadway.” He grinned, pulling Rafael into a warm embrace. That grin sent Rafael’s heart into overdrive. The hug sent heat to his cheeks, even more than earlier. 

“Yeah, I had to do something to keep my big ego in check.” He said, thankful that he was able to at least keep somewhat calm as they hugged. When he pulled back, he stepped back to look over his old friend. “You look good in a suit.”

“Aw jeez, you’re gonna make me blush.”

“What do you do now? I thought you would have been off doing world tours as a lead singer or solo act.” Rafael said as he went to sit on the couch. Emile looked around as he followed, sitting beside him and crossing his legs, clasping his hands together around his knee.

“Mom hoped for that too. I became a lawyer though.” He shrugged, his gaze settling on Rafael. “People need defending, you know?” 

“Always a helper. I’m sure people appreciate you immensely.” 

There was that laugh again. Rafael swore he would die of an overactive heart at this point.

“Only when I win. Thankfully, that’s more often than not.” He smiled. “Had to keep my brother from getting locked up by sweet talking some cops back in the day, so I figure ‘Why not do it for money?’ Sweet talk some jurors, maybe even the judge.” 

“You were always like that.” Rafael gave one of his lopsided smiles. Emile smiled in return, nodding. It wasn’t his usual happy smile though. “What’s wrong?”

“I know things probably won’t be like they used to. I’d have to go to do confession if I lied and said I didn’t miss that.” He looked down at his hands. “When I found out you were an ADA, purely by chance by the way, I was amazed and surprised. I had to come and make sure nobody was just pulling my leg, you know? Actually, I didn’t come as soon as I found out... I was scared that maybe... Maybe you hated me or wouldn’t remember me.” 

Rafael sighed and felt bad. He knew why he said that and he hated himself for it.

“I should have said yes, you know? But I didn’t think we both would have went on the same career path. I did want to do my own thing, go touring and make it big. I knew you couldn’t deal with that though.”

“I would have found a way to deal with it, Em.”

“No, you would have begged for me to not do it. You were like that.” Emile gave a small laugh, uncrossing his legs and sighing as he looked at Rafael. “I did the singing thing for a while, local. Got small gigs, made some money. It wasn’t for me though. I’m good at it, but it just wasn’t something I could put my all into. Gymnastics? I loved too, but I couldn’t hold onto that forever either.”

“Emile...”

He missed the way Rafael said his name, the way it rolled off his tongue like a song.

“I should have said yes. Now it’s probably too late, but that’s okay.” He looked close to tears.

Rafael wanted to say something but he couldn’t find the words. This was his fault. His. He made Emile feel like he had been the one at fault, the reason they didn’t go into adulthood together. 

“I should go. I’ve got a client in an hour.” Emile said as he stood, smoothing out his suit jacket. Rafael stood as well. “Here, my number’s on it.” He handed over a business card. Rafael nodded as he took it, running his thumb over the lettering. 

“I should at least offer you dinner.” He said as Emile grabbed his briefcase.

“Just tell me the time, date and place and I’ll be there.” He smiled as he headed out. Rafael’s heart fluttered at the words, the same words he said when he agreed to their first date. A date. Now his heart was pounding as he stood there, looking down at the card in his hand. He didn’t even hear someone call to him.

“Barba, you okay?” 

He looked up and saw Olivia. 

“Yeah.” He went over to his desk, sitting down.

“Who was that? Normally I don’t see you with many visitors with new faces.” She said as she closed the door, sitting in one of the chairs in front of the desk.

“Old friend. Lawyer.” He flashed the card before setting it down on his phone. A reminder.


	2. A Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and Emile have their date. There's a lot of flashbacks/memories!

_“You’re going to be a singer? Professionally?” Rafael asked, his heart aching as he watched Emile read over some papers. A contract._

 

_“Yeah, I’m gonna go on tours and things when I’m done with school.” He smiled brightly._

_“But...”_

_“Aren’t you happy for me, Rafi?”_

 

He woke up, hands over his face as his alarm rang. He reached over and shut it off, sitting up and swinging his legs over the edge of his bed, checking his phone. 

It was Friday. A week since Emile had walked into his office, back into his life. It wasn’t like he really left, Rafael just kept a distance. He shouldn’t have.

He had texted Emile the day after, wanting to have dinner tonight after both of them were finished with whatever work they had to do. They talked on the phone too.

 

“I’m really glad we can have dinner again, Rafi. Especially at the place we had our first date.” Emile giggled.

“Me too. Not much has changed there except the owner of course and maybe some of the other people.” Rafael smiled, loosening his tie as he sat at his desk, closing a file. 

“Well, this time I’ll be able to have some wine. Remember how you’d always come over and my mom would let us have a little bit? I can’t believe I thought it was terrible.” 

 

Rafael smiled at the memories of their phone call and of their past. He missed that, making Emile smile and laugh, hearing him sing. All of it. 

With a shake of his head, he got up and went to prepare for the day, showering, shaving, brushing his teeth, doing his hair and drying off. He dressed in one of his more expensive suits, figuring he could impress Emile all over again. 

 

_“Wow, you always dress really nice, Rafi. A 3-piece suit like this? Must be expensive.” Emile said as he helped Rafael with his tie._

_“I might as well make a good impression. It is prom after all.” Rafael said with a smile._

_“Well, you’ll always be my better half. That’s for sure.” Emile grinned, stepping back and looking over his boyfriend. “It’s like I’m falling for you all over again.”_

 

Emile had woken up early, before his alarm even went off, and got out of bed. His hair was a complete mess but that didn’t matter at the moment. 

He went and made himself a breakfast smoothie, mango, pineapple, yogurt, strawberries and some lime, humming as he poured it. 

As he drank it, he went and looked at the framed painting above his couch. A portrait he had done of a photo he took of the night sky back when he was in high school. 

 

_“Look! The moon is so full!” He said excitedly, pointing up at the sky._

_The stars were out, shining, twinkling. Emile smiled as he pulled out his camera to snap a photo. Rafael smiled as he got on the roof of his car next to Emile, sitting close._

_“It’s so beautiful. Not as beautiful as you though.” He said. Emile blushed and playfully nudged Rafael’s shoulder._

_“You should be a lawyer. Your charm everyone and win every case.” He put his camera back in his bag before hooking an arm through Rafael’s, leaning his head on his shoulder._

_“Maybe.”_

 

He finished his smoothie and went to clean up the kitchen before he went and got ready for the day. A shower, washing his hair and singing as he did. When he finished, he dried off and blow dried his hair, combing through it before he went and got dressed in one of his nice suits. 

Emile had 2 clients before the lunch hour, one he was representing in court and the other he had to go hope that he wouldn’t get recognized in a lineup. By the time lunch rolled around, he was about ready to call it a day, going to get a sandwich.

“Emile.” Someone called out to him. He turned around, taking a bite of his sandwich and smiled seeing Rafael.

“Hey, Rafi. Didn’t expect to see you here.” He said, covering his mouth with his hand.

“Even an ADA has to eat.” Rafael said, finishing his coffee before he threw out his cup.

“We still good for tonight?” Emile asked, going to sit with Rafael at a table, watching him undo the buttons of his suit jacket. 

“Definitely. I wouldn’t cancel last minute like this.” He replied. Emile nodded and smiled.

“I would have sent a very angry text if you did.” 

Rafael smiled and gave a small laugh. He knew that was true, remembering a time when he had accidentally upset him in the past. He still felt bad, even if Emile had forgiven him almost immediately upon seeing Rafael almost burst into tears. 

 

_“I didn’t... I’m sorry, Em.” Rafael stammered, watching Emile kneel down to carefully pick up the broken pieces of a vase. “It was an accident...”_

_“Accident or not, you broke it...” Emile said, sniffling. “I can’t even get another one...” He glared over his shoulder at Rafael who felt his heart break. He began to tear up which caused Emile to feel guilty and he put the broken pieces on his desk, standing up and turning to look at Rafael._

_“I’m sorry.”_

 

“Rafi?” 

Hearing his name pulled him from his thoughts and he looked at Emile, seeing the concern on his face. 

“Sorry, I was thinking.” He said. Emile smiled and nodded.

They talked for a bit before Rafael had to go to court for a case that would probably take him into the early afternoon. Saying their goodbyes, he went to the courthouse, leaving Emile to watch him go before he went and met up with his brother to see what kind of trouble he was in. 

 

Later, Emile went home to change into a more casual outfit for his dinner date with Rafael, putting on a pair of black skinny jeans and a white t-shirt, a black jean jacket over that. He put on a watch and made sure he had what he would need before he left out, hoping he would be early. 

Rafael didn’t go home to change, going to the restaurant and getting a table. As he walked in, Emile walked in after him and smiled. 

“Looks like we’re both on time.” Emile said. Rafael nodded and gave a small smile as they were led to a booth.

“What can I get for you two to drink this evening?” The waiter asked.

“You can decide, Em.” Rafael said.

“Oh good. A bottle of Pinot Noir will be just fine.” Emile said happily. The waiter nodded. “We’ll need some time to decide what we’ll eat.”

“Of course.” 

The waiter went to get their wine. Rafael eyed the menu. 

“Everything is the same. That’s good.” He said. Emile nodded and looked at Rafael.

“I didn’t say so before... But I missed you.”

Rafael knew that, but he held his tongue, glancing up from the menu. 

“You didn’t get involved with anyone after...?” He asked, curious. He knew Emile wasn’t the type to rebound. 

“Ray asked but I said no. Nobody really caught my eye.” Not like you...

“Huh...” He wasn’t surprised, holding back a smile. “I’d be lying if I said I saw anyone else.”

“Really now? Nobody caught your eye, not even that uh detective? The tall one?” Emile teased.

“Tall? Oh, he’s okay I guess. Business only.” 

The waiter returned before Emile could say anything, setting two glasses down before opening the bottle of wine and pouring it into both, setting the bottle down between the two of them.

“Could I get a cesar salad and a cheeseburger? No tomatoes or pickles.” Emile ordered. The waiter wrote that down before looking at Rafael.

“Lasagna please.” He said before handing over his menu. Emile handed his over as well and the waiter walked off.

“Was the bar easy for you?” Rafael asked before he took a sip of his wine. Emile nodded.

“Fairly easy. I studied for it even when I was just a freshman.” He smiled, proud of himself. He had every right to be.

“You were always so studious. I’m not surprised.” 

 

_Rafael watched as Emile turned another page, jotting down notes in his binder._

_“You should take a break. The test isn’t for another week.” He said as he bookmarked his page in the chemistry text book._

_“I just wanna get it out of the way. I promise we’ll have time for other things, Rafi.” Emile said, biting his lip as he focused. Rafael smiled and shook his head, kissing Emile on the cheek._

_“Alright but I’m stopping you if you don’t stop in 15 minutes.”_

 

“One of us had to be.” Emile joked, sipping his wine. Rafael chuckled and nodded. “But look at us now, both passed the bar and you ended up surpassing being a lawyer and went on to be an ada.” 

“It’s rewarding.” Rafael shrugged.

“My mom said she’s proud of you. A little upset still but she’s proud.” Emile said. Rafael frowned. “I had to tell her I found you. Well, I didn’t have to but she asked about you over the years and always was hard pressed for me to go and make amends.”

“You didn’t have to go do that. Not with me.” Rafael sighed. “Though, you never did like conflict so I’m not upset.”

Emile smiled and finished off his first glass of wine before refilling it. 

The waiter came back to their table with their food. “Enjoy your meal.” He said with a smile, leaving silverware and extra napkins as well as salad dressing for Emile’s salad before heading off. 

 

Dinner went on with some light conversation and laughter. Rafael was happy getting to eat with his high school crush again at the same place they had their first date. He missed this. Listening to Emile talk was always a nice and engaging and he was glad for that.

When they both were done and the check came, Rafael pulled out his wallet.

“I can pay for dinner, Rafi.” Emile said, putting a hand on his. Rafael’s heart skipped a beat. 

“Are you sure? I don’t mind.” He said. Emile smiled and nodded, pulling his wallet out and humming as he pulled out cash, enough to cover the bill and for tip. “You never cease to amaze me.”

“I’m just full of surprises.” Emile grinned, handing the check back to the waiter. “Keep the change.”

They both got up and went to leave. Once they were outside, Emile sighed and stretched his arms above his head. He looked at his watch and then looked at Rafael.

“Would you like to come over?” He asked. 

“Yeah. I’d like that.” Rafael smiled genuinely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's read this so far! I think the next chapter will be a flashback chapter! If you'd like that, let me know! Please feel free to give me some ideas for future chapters!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael goes over Emile's place, happy to spend time with him. (Fair warning for mention of sex but no explicit description)

Rafael had never been this nervous before, unless he counted the time he asked Emile out in high school. He nearly fainted. That was a time he didn't want to go back to.

 

"You'll have to excuse the mess." Emile said as he unlocked the door, pushing the door open. 

 

"Last time I visited you back at your place when we were in school, you said the same thing and your room was pristine." Rafael chuckled as he walked in after Emile, closing the door behind them and following him further into the apartment.

 

The living room, as he expected, was neat, a blanket over the back of the couch and a laptop was on the coffee table beside some papers. Rafael went and sat on the couch, shrugging out of his jacket while Emile went to the kitchen and turned on the coffee maker. 

 

"You want some coffee? Feel free to turn on the tv." Emile said from the kitchen as he got down two mugs.

 

"Coffee sounds good." Rafael replied as he grabbed the remote, turning on the tv. He turned it to the news and put the remote back down. Emile came out of the kitchen, handing Rafael his mug before he sat beside him. "Just how I like it, thank you."

 

"No problem, Rafi." Emile smiled, taking a sip of his coffee before setting his mug down on the coffee table and moving his laptop. Rafael sipped his coffee and set his mug down, licking his lips. 

 

"I'm glad that uh... We got to meet again. I did miss you, a lot." he said softly, folding his hands in his lap. "I know I fucked up and got mad about you wanting to go be a singer instead of doing something else..." he sighed. Emile put his hand over Rafael's.

 

"I'm okay. I shouldn't have been mean to you over it. I shouldn't have broken up with you." he said. Rafael looked at him and smiled, kissing his forehead. 

 

"I could never stay mad at you. I was upset over everything but I kept my head up in hopes that maybe we'd meet up again and work things out." he said, his hands on his face, thumbs rubbing his cheeks. "You're always gonna be in my heart, you know?" 

 

"I know, Rafi. I felt bad that I got mad with you. I know you were gonna miss me and I shouldn't have been so selfish." he said, closing his eyes for a moment before he opened them again. 

 

"You're beautiful, you always have been." he said, licking his lips. Emile bit his lip before leaning in and kissing him. Rafael kissed back, moving a hand to the back of his head and deepening the kiss. 

 

Emile put his hands on Rafael's chest, continuing to kiss him and only pulling away for air. Rafael rested his forehead against Emile's, his hand moving from the back of his neck down to his waist. 

 

"Let's go to my room." Emile said softly, waiting until Rafael let go of him before he got up. "We can re-heat the coffee later." Rafael followed, chuckling and beginning to unbutton his shirt. When they both were in the room, Emile went and wrapped his arms around Rafael's neck, kissing him and walking backwards to the bed, giggling as he sat down. Rafael chuckled and shrugged out of his shirt, letting it fall to the floor as Emile took off his own shirt and moved to lay back on the bed. Rafael got on top of him, leaning to kiss him again while Emile's hands moved to his shoulders.

 

They made out for a bit, moving slowly to get fully undressed before they moved into having sex. It was passionate and slow, Rafael focusing on making Emile feel good, showing him how much he missed him. When they both finished, they cuddled, Emile's head on Rafael's chest while he stroked his hair and arm.

 

"I missed this." Rafael sighed. 

 

"Me too, Rafi." Emile smiled and cuddled up more to Rafael. "We definitely should do this again."

 

"You know I'd love to. More than anything." he chuckled, kissing Emile's forehead.

 

They fell asleep together and Rafael slept peacefully. Emile didn't, having a nightmare and waking up in the middle of the night. 

 

"Cariño?" Rafael asked, waking up as Emile sat up. 

 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.." he sighed. Rafael took his hand and kissed it. "I'll be right back. Sleep." 

 

He got up and went to the bathroom, using it and splashing cold water on his face before he looked in the mirror at himself. He smiled and ran a hand through his hair. He frowned when he noticed his hands trembling and closed his eyes, trying not to think too much about it before he went back to bed, curling up against Rafael and going back to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a short chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Rafael doesn't know can't hurt him, right? (No, not cheating.)

It had been a week since Rafael stayed the night and Emile was happy to have him back in his life. He missed Rafael and he was glad that Rafael missed him too. He sighed as he laid in bed, looking up at the ceiling, a smile on his face. 

_"So, next week we should go out to dinner. I can come pick you up and we can go to any place you want, okay?" Rafael asked. Emile nodded, cuddling up against his side._

_"I'd like that. Maybe you can stay the night after too and we can watch some cheesy love story and drink some wine." Emile giggled._

_"I think that sounds like a perfect date."_

He groaned as he had to get up to go to the bathroom for the third time in the past hour, making a mental note to tell his doctor about that as he got up, careful not to trip over the shirt on the floor as he made his way in. He sat on the toilet, unlocking his phone and smiling as he saw a text from Rafael.

[From: Rafael] Ready for our date tonight? If you want, we can push it to tomorrow.

[To: Rafael] Tonight is perfect. 

He sighed, putting his phone on the sink before he stood up, flushing the toilet and going to wash his hands. He was sort of glad it was still kind of early in the day, hoping he could get in touch with his doctor before it got too late. He went and sat on his bed, dialing his doctors number while he laid back down, glad he got through on the second ring. 

"Hi, this is Emile. I was wondering if we would be able to talk." he said. 

"I have some time. How's everything?"

"So, last week I noticed a little bit of trembling in my hands, but it didn't last too long. Yesterday and today, I've been going to the bathroom maybe...3 times in the span of an hour and feeling some vertigo when I'm sitting upright or standing for 30 minutes or so." 

"That does sound a bit troubling. Let me check and see what I have your dosage at currently, maybe it needs to be increased a little bit." 

"Thank you. I didn't want to wait too long and let things get worse." Emile smiled. 

"Oh it's not a problem. I upped your dose and sent it off to the pharmacy so you should be able to start that today. Also, your next appointment is next Tuesday." 

"Thank you so much. I'll let you know if anything changes between now and then." 

"Not a problem, Emile. Have a good day."

"Thanks again." 

Emile sighed after he hung up, feeling better about everything as he got up again, going to his closet to pick out an outfit for the day, knowing he would need to be comfortable, especially if his symptoms didn't let up quickly. 

\----

Later that evening, he was feeling better, not going to the bathroom so often. He was glad that the medicine was working, otherwise he felt like he would have to cancel on Rafael, and he really didn't want to do that. Rafael didn't know and the last thing he needed was for him worrying over him. 

"You should wear jeans more often." Rafael said. Emile blushed and looked at the menu.

"If I wore jeans more often, I'd be one of those super lax lawyers and we can't have that now, can we?" he joked. Rafael chuckled. "Though, jeans are way more comfy than suit pants, surprisingly." 

"Yeah, true. Though, I don't wear jeans often enough. Seems like most of my time is spent in suits. Maybe I'll change things up." 

Emile nodded, going to grab his glass of water. He noticed the tremor and hoped Rafael didn't as he managed to drink without spilling.  _'Tonight is gonna be a long night...'_

Dinner went on without trouble and Emile was glad for it, able to enjoy talking to Rafael without having to get up more than once to use the bathroom. Despite the tremors, everything went damn near perfect.

At least, that was before they got up to leave. 

"I'll be right out. I must have drank too much water." Emile said, kissing Rafael on the cheek before going to the bathroom. 

After he was done, as he went to leave, he felt faint, going to grab onto the sink to try and catch himself, only to wind up collapsing in the middle of the bathroom floor. When he woke up, he was in the hospital. He groaned as he opened his eyes, blinking against the harsh lights. 

"You had me worried." Rafael said softly, holding his hand. Emile gave a sheepish smile, turning his head to look at him. "What happened?"

"I'm fine, Rafi." 

Rafael wasn't buying it, frowning and shaking his head. "Tell me, amor. What's going on?"

"I just didn't want you to worry. You've got so much going on already, the last thing you need is to fret over me." he said, closing his eyes. "I guess I should have told you though, even over the phone, but I have MS." 

"How? Why didn't you... Are you getting treatment for it?" Rafael asked. Emile nodded. 

"Yeah. I called my doctor this morning to up my dose. Apparently that's gonna take a little longer than expected to help as much as I need it to, but it's okay." 

"I'm sorry..." Rafael moved to kiss his forehead. 

"You didn't do anything wrong. I should have at least said something just in case, but it's hard to know when anything bad like that is gonna happen. Usually I'm home and can just lay in bed and ride it out there." He sighed and shook his head. "I guess I just have to take it easy for a little while."

"Please. The last thing either of us needs is something else happening." Rafael gently kissed his hand. Emile smiled and nodded, relaxing back in the bed. At least things weren't worse. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not knowledgable in certain things, so thank you to Google for being my best friend while I wrote this chapter. I hope everyone likes it!
> 
> Sorry this was so short

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so the next chapter is gonna be cute, maybe a little sad? Who knows with me anymore! XD
> 
> This was really fun to write though and I hope that people enjoy it.


End file.
